Well, it's one way to lose weight...

My job is super stressful right now. To the point where I am nauseated and can't eat much. Pretzels and diet soda is about all I can manage. The thought of anything else makes my stomach gurgle, and not from hunger.

I think it will be like this for about one more week, and then should let up a little.

Things are conspirin' against me

I got to the gym on Monday, and so far have been thwarted by work from going again. Tuesday night I was there until 11:30 pm, so Wednesday morning was out. Was so busy I couldn't get out during the day, and then was there until 9:00 pm. Was too tired this morning to drag myself out, and was too busy during the day to get away, and then by the time I left, was exhausted. Tomorrow I have to be in at 8:30 am, and have meetings all day. Maybe tomorrow after work. It's going to be crazy busy like this for at least the next two weeks, too.

So frustrating, and just when I was getting into a routine. 

And, she's back

Project baby has officially ended. My fibroids. The precarious state of my marriage to a chronic depressive. My crazy-ass job. All have led to an appointment today to get back on the pill. I am over being sad about it, and will just feel relieved to not have to deal with heavy, heavy, insanely heavy monthly bleeding and the attendant restless leg squirminess and obsessive ice crunching because of anemia. 

So.

In the months that I was trying to become a baby mamma, my weight crept up slightly. Already before the holidays, I knew I needed to do something about it, but waited until after the trip to the in-laws to get serious.

Over the break, I read a book that a friend recommended, and have switched to a diet that I'm calling vegan when it makes sense to eat vegan. I've been at it for a couple of weeks, and so far so good.

I was vegan for a couple of years in the early nineties, and it was crazy hard back then. I've had no trouble eating at restaurants, or shopping in a regular grocery store. And the recipes in the vegan cookbooks are so much better now. Not about trying to fake it, but about making really good dishes that happen to not have any animal products in them.

Will I be a pain in the ass when I'm invited to someone's house with this vegan thing? No. I will eat what is served. Will it kill me if I eat something that has fish stock? No. If I decide that I want to go eat some smoked brisket, or sushi, will I feel guilty? No.

I started working out at a gym again. Taking it easy. Three times a week. Have been doing 30 minutes each visit for the last couple of weeks, but am bumping it up to 45 this week, and am feeling about ready to take a spinning class. Right now, I'm just doing cardio, since I'm trying to get my weight back down into the 150s. I'll eventually add some weight training, but don't want to do that while I am trying to lose. That will just lead to extreme frustration. 

I haven't done yoga in a million years. Want to get that back into the mix at least once a week, though I'm thinking it will probably have to be home practice, with an occasional visit on the weekend to a studio just to make sure I'm on track with form.

I've got to update my list of links. It looks like quite a few people I used to read are no longer at it.

Update

Not knocked up yet. I had to have an ultrasound a few weeks ago to see what was going on with my fibroids, and my doctor is concerned that one in particular could cause problems with implantation, so if I can't get pregnant in the next two months, some surgery will be in order to try to make it easier. I'll either have to have another myomectomy (I had one when I was 30), which would be abdominal surgery with us having to wait 6 months before we could try again, or a less invasive procedure that would shave down the one fibroid in particular that she's worried about, and we'd have to wait 2 months to try again. I'm leaning towards the latter, but need to know more about how quickly it could grow back and if it would really buy us enough time.

I've managed to keep my weight right around goal without really even trying. Every once in awhile, like this morning, I'll wake up convinced that I've packed on 10 pounds, and then I weigh myself, and there I am, right where I've been, between 153 and 155. I think I just have no idea anymore how much I was eating back then when I was heavier. It must've been a lot, because I don't feel like I am always hungry or that I'm depriving myself now. I guess I've just adjusted to the right portion sizes. 

I do cruise by and see what's going on on everyone's blogs at least once a week, but haven't been commenting. I do hope all of you are well.

A Revelation

Thanks to all for the good luck and good wishes. I have a check-up scheduled with my "lady parts doctor" next week, just for a check-up and a chat with her. I do have fibroids, and I'd like to hear her thoughts on what that means for my chances, though she asks me every time I go for a check-up if I've thought about having children yet, so she must believe there is some hope.

Now to the revelation. Since I made the decision to try to get myself knocked up, I've been realizing some things that I was eating are not things that I probably should ever have been eating. The faux foods that are low-calorie and low on everything else (like nutrients), and long on lists of unpronounceable ingredients don't seem like such a good idea to me now. I'll pass on the Light and Fit Dannon, thanks. And ditto on that Diet Swiss Miss Cocoa. Diet soda? Hell no.

It's a little sad to me to think that I didn't have enough respect for my own body before trying to get it pregnant to not eat things that I wouldn't eat now.

If that makes any sense.

No matter what happens with the "varmint creation project", as The Husband and I have been calling it, I think a good rule of thumb from now on is, if I wouldn't eat it while trying to get pregnant, I probably shouldn't eat it at all.

Too Old?

When I last had a conversation with my mother about a certain topic, a couple of years ago, she said, well, you're too old anyway.

That topic? Having a baby.

I will turn 41 in August. I've known for a couple of years that the clock is running out. But The Husband and I would say maybe, but not now, and think of a million excuses as to why it wasn't a good time to try.

We hadn't talked about it in over a year, because I changed jobs, and we were busy, and well, I could name a million other excuses.

But through a series of coincidences or incidents of kizmet, we got to talking about it again. And all the reasons why not don't seem like any kind of good reason any longer.

So I'm hoping that my mother is wrong, that my good old white trash family genes kick in, and that I'm not, indeed, too old to get pregnant.

We're trying. As of now. I stopped taking the pill. And for the time being, I'm not going to be focusing on trying to lose weight. That seems counter productive to the project under discussion. I'm going to try not to gain any until if and when we're successful. I'll still be around, and should we be successful, will definitely need support after the fact to get any baby weight back off, but won't be posting about non-existent weight loss attempts.

Wish this old lady some luck.

Belly Full of Brisket

It was The Mister's birthday yesterday and I took him out to one of our favorite places, Hill Country, which is pretty much just like a real Texas BBQ joint. They bring wood in from Lockhart, Texas, which is where the BBQ place is that Hill Country's based on. It is absolutely just as good as what I grew up with, and what I still have every time I go back to Texas to visit family.

Since I'm not drinking anymore, I had much more room for food, which was lean brisket, smoked sausage, mac and cheese made with sharp longhorn cheddar, green bean casserole, and for dessert, banana puddin'. I ate until I was full, and didn't eat like I have there before to the point of having a stomach ache.

It's the morning after now, and I do still feel full.

Don't regret it one bit, though I did avoid the scale this morning.