Grinchy
It snowed then sleeted here yesterday. Left the office early and slid along Lexington down to Grand Central under a decrepit umbrella that kept blowing inside out. By the time I got to the train, I was boiling mad at the world and everyone in it. Really got to get back to regular yoga practice. I've noticed my anger level rise steadily since I slacked off on it. And my anxiety level as well.
I absolutely hate this time of year. Really and truly. I can't figure out exactly why. I don't care for the crass commercialism, and I resent having to participate in it, because it is expected and it is the polite and civil thing to do when dealing with family situations. You don't show up to the in-laws for a week at their house without gifts. And I do like making people happy by giving them something nice. It's the fact that I have to do it, I guess, or that there's no real way out of it, that gets to me.
There is also the general head-up-the-assery that happens with people in the city, the rise in rudeness because every one else is preoccupied and stressed out and has too much on their lists of things to do.
Also the grey skies.
It all gets me depressed, and it gets worse each year. I think there must also be some deeply buried family drama down there somewhere that I haven't been able to properly excavate, and it's festering.
So, I was mad. Depressed. And when I got home I felt like inhaling the entire contents of the refrigerator and pantry, but did not. It was sill bingey-like behavior though what I was eating was all low-calorie, like celery and 1% cottage cheese. It wasn't the amount, because I really didn't eat all that much, but the let's have this and then five minutes later being back in the kitchen with the refrigerator door open and getting something else that was binge-like.
It's been hard for me to admit that I'm an emotional eater, and that I have a tendency toward binge-eating. My sister has binge eating disorder. It's not how I gained weight this time, though I did, when I was younger, the summer after my first year of college, binge my way up into the 180's. This time the problem was--as it has also always been, thanks to clean plate club mentality and eating too fast--simply not stopping when I was full.
That and getting older and developing a sharp sweet tooth. Bready carbs and cheese used to be my enemy. Now enemy mine is the frosted gingerbread scone whispering to me from the Starbuck's case when I'm getting coffee.
I am happy about one thing: today is Friday.
I absolutely hate this time of year. Really and truly. I can't figure out exactly why. I don't care for the crass commercialism, and I resent having to participate in it, because it is expected and it is the polite and civil thing to do when dealing with family situations. You don't show up to the in-laws for a week at their house without gifts. And I do like making people happy by giving them something nice. It's the fact that I have to do it, I guess, or that there's no real way out of it, that gets to me.
There is also the general head-up-the-assery that happens with people in the city, the rise in rudeness because every one else is preoccupied and stressed out and has too much on their lists of things to do.
Also the grey skies.
It all gets me depressed, and it gets worse each year. I think there must also be some deeply buried family drama down there somewhere that I haven't been able to properly excavate, and it's festering.
So, I was mad. Depressed. And when I got home I felt like inhaling the entire contents of the refrigerator and pantry, but did not. It was sill bingey-like behavior though what I was eating was all low-calorie, like celery and 1% cottage cheese. It wasn't the amount, because I really didn't eat all that much, but the let's have this and then five minutes later being back in the kitchen with the refrigerator door open and getting something else that was binge-like.
It's been hard for me to admit that I'm an emotional eater, and that I have a tendency toward binge-eating. My sister has binge eating disorder. It's not how I gained weight this time, though I did, when I was younger, the summer after my first year of college, binge my way up into the 180's. This time the problem was--as it has also always been, thanks to clean plate club mentality and eating too fast--simply not stopping when I was full.
That and getting older and developing a sharp sweet tooth. Bready carbs and cheese used to be my enemy. Now enemy mine is the frosted gingerbread scone whispering to me from the Starbuck's case when I'm getting coffee.
I am happy about one thing: today is Friday.
posted by LME at 9:48 AM
2 Comments:
I'm glad there's no Starbucks on the corner. Yours is about the 20th blog I've read today talking about those damned gingerbread scones.
Heh. I don't have a Starbucks for probably 150 miles.
But I came here to say that I feel all the same things about this time of year. My goal is simply to get through it, and has been since my teens.
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