Eating Crow

9 months. That's the time it takes for someone to have a baby. Not that I did, because I didn't. It's also the time it took for my experiments in intuitive eating and just getting exercise from trying to be more active in my daily life--some of you may remember me touting this approach here and in the comments section of your own blogs--to reveal themselves to be complete failures. It's the time it took for me to gain about 20 pounds, give or take. Seems when I eat intuitively, I eat a lot of ice cream.

I hadn't weighed myself since sometime last spring, I think. A couple of days ago, I was alone in the apartment and things were quiet, and I got curious. So I blew the cat hair off the scale and hopped on.

184.5 it read.

184.5 lbs at 5 feet, 5 inches tall.

Not quite my all-time high, but very close.

And it wasn't that much of a surprise. I had suspected as much. I had to buy a fancy dress for an upcoming work party recently, which required measuring myself. I had to measure my waist three times before it sunk in that yes, that's how big my waist is, and no, you can't order a size 12, because it won't fit.

Also, my skin has been itching on my hips and thighs, and I knew it wasn't because of the cold weather. For me, when my skin starts itching on my hips and thighs, it means my weight is changing. It also means new stretchmarks.

I quit my old gym quite a while ago--a year ago or maybe more--but ended up joining a new one this summer, because I thought I could go back to a gym finally and not get so obsessed with it. And that's proven true. Far from getting obsessed, I've hardly been there at all.

I have also let the yoga, which I was doing pretty much daily there for about six months, slide to about once every two weeks. Maybe. I am still wearing my little silver lotus/om pendant that I bought during my yoga heyday, if that counts for anything. I would like to get back to regular practice, because it makes me feel better.

The yoga slippage has largely been because of a new, asskicking kickass job. I love the job. But it is demanding. Much more so than my old one. I'm often at work late. And usually when I'm at work, it requires my full brain capacity to do my job.

The new job may also have a bit to do with the wolfing down of large portions of food at meals at an astonishingly fast pace.

But things have begun to settle down a bit at work, enough so that over the last few weeks, I've managed to start going to the gym regularly, about three times a week. I'm on week 3 of Couch to 5K, which I started just to have something to do when I go to the gym. So far, so good. It feels neither obsessive, nor boring.

Foodwise, I need to get a grip, and not on a pint of ice cream. My plan is to go back to what was working before I size-acceptanced, feminist-theoried, and intuitively ate myself into a 20lb weight gain. Cut out the white stuff for the most part--especially sugar, oh lordy, the sugar--and focus on lean proteins and vegetables and whole grains.

Also, I will get back to posting here regularly. I've missed it. And It helps, somehow.