Fat-ish

Well, it's one way to lose weight...

2009-01-28T08:21:00.003-05:00

My job is super stressful right now. To the point where I am nauseated and can't eat much. Pretzels and diet soda is about all I can manage. The thought of anything else makes my stomach gurgle, and not from hunger.

I think it will be like this for about one more week, and then should let up a little.

Things are conspirin' against me

2009-01-22T21:48:00.003-05:00

I got to the gym on Monday, and so far have been thwarted by work from going again. Tuesday night I was there until 11:30 pm, so Wednesday morning was out. Was so busy I couldn't get out during the day, and then was there until 9:00 pm. Was too tired this morning to drag myself out, and was too busy during the day to get away, and then by the time I left, was exhausted. Tomorrow I have to be in at 8:30 am, and have meetings all day. Maybe tomorrow after work. It's going to be crazy busy like this for at least the next two weeks, too.

So frustrating, and just when I was getting into a routine.

And, she's back

2009-01-20T09:38:00.003-05:00

Project baby has officially ended. My fibroids. The precarious state of my marriage to a chronic depressive. My crazy-ass job. All have led to an appointment today to get back on the pill. I am over being sad about it, and will just feel relieved to not have to deal with heavy, heavy, insanely heavy monthly bleeding and the attendant restless leg squirminess and obsessive ice crunching because of anemia.

So.

In the months that I was trying to become a baby mamma, my weight crept up slightly. Already before the holidays, I knew I needed to do something about it, but waited until after the trip to the in-laws to get serious.

Over the break, I read a book that a friend recommended, and have switched to a diet that I'm calling vegan when it makes sense to eat vegan. I've been at it for a couple of weeks, and so far so good.

I was vegan for a couple of years in the early nineties, and it was crazy hard back then. I've had no trouble eating at restaurants, or shopping in a regular grocery store. And the recipes in the vegan cookbooks are so much better now. Not about trying to fake it, but about making really good dishes that happen to not have any animal products in them.

Will I be a pain in the ass when I'm invited to someone's house with this vegan thing? No. I will eat what is served. Will it kill me if I eat something that has fish stock? No. If I decide that I want to go eat some smoked brisket, or sushi, will I feel guilty? No.

I started working out at a gym again. Taking it easy. Three times a week. Have been doing 30 minutes each visit for the last couple of weeks, but am bumping it up to 45 this week, and am feeling about ready to take a spinning class. Right now, I'm just doing cardio, since I'm trying to get my weight back down into the 150s. I'll eventually add some weight training, but don't want to do that while I am trying to lose. That will just lead to extreme frustration.

I haven't done yoga in a million years. Want to get that back into the mix at least once a week, though I'm thinking it will probably have to be home practice, with an occasional visit on the weekend to a studio just to make sure I'm on track with form.

I've got to update my list of links. It looks like quite a few people I used to read are no longer at it.

Update

2008-07-12T08:17:00.002-04:00

Not knocked up yet. I had to have an ultrasound a few weeks ago to see what was going on with my fibroids, and my doctor is concerned that one in particular could cause problems with implantation, so if I can't get pregnant in the next two months, some surgery will be in order to try to make it easier. I'll either have to have another myomectomy (I had one when I was 30), which would be abdominal surgery with us having to wait 6 months before we could try again, or a less invasive procedure that would shave down the one fibroid in particular that she's worried about, and we'd have to wait 2 months to try again. I'm leaning towards the latter, but need to know more about how quickly it could grow back and if it would really buy us enough time.

I've managed to keep my weight right around goal without really even trying. Every once in awhile, like this morning, I'll wake up convinced that I've packed on 10 pounds, and then I weigh myself, and there I am, right where I've been, between 153 and 155. I think I just have no idea anymore how much I was eating back then when I was heavier. It must've been a lot, because I don't feel like I am always hungry or that I'm depriving myself now. I guess I've just adjusted to the right portion sizes.

I do cruise by and see what's going on on everyone's blogs at least once a week, but haven't been commenting. I do hope all of you are well.

A Revelation

2008-05-29T21:56:00.002-04:00

Thanks to all for the good luck and good wishes. I have a check-up scheduled with my "lady parts doctor" next week, just for a check-up and a chat with her. I do have fibroids, and I'd like to hear her thoughts on what that means for my chances, though she asks me every time I go for a check-up if I've thought about having children yet, so she must believe there is some hope.

Now to the revelation. Since I made the decision to try to get myself knocked up, I've been realizing some things that I was eating are not things that I probably should ever have been eating. The faux foods that are low-calorie and low on everything else (like nutrients), and long on lists of unpronounceable ingredients don't seem like such a good idea to me now. I'll pass on the Light and Fit Dannon, thanks. And ditto on that Diet Swiss Miss Cocoa. Diet soda? Hell no.

It's a little sad to me to think that I didn't have enough respect for my own body before trying to get it pregnant to not eat things that I wouldn't eat now.

If that makes any sense.

No matter what happens with the "varmint creation project", as The Husband and I have been calling it, I think a good rule of thumb from now on is, if I wouldn't eat it while trying to get pregnant, I probably shouldn't eat it at all.

Too Old?

2008-05-26T22:25:00.002-04:00

When I last had a conversation with my mother about a certain topic, a couple of years ago, she said, well, you're too old anyway.

That topic? Having a baby.

I will turn 41 in August. I've known for a couple of years that the clock is running out. But The Husband and I would say maybe, but not now, and think of a million excuses as to why it wasn't a good time to try.

We hadn't talked about it in over a year, because I changed jobs, and we were busy, and well, I could name a million other excuses.

But through a series of coincidences or incidents of kizmet, we got to talking about it again. And all the reasons why not don't seem like any kind of good reason any longer.

So I'm hoping that my mother is wrong, that my good old white trash family genes kick in, and that I'm not, indeed, too old to get pregnant.

We're trying. As of now. I stopped taking the pill. And for the time being, I'm not going to be focusing on trying to lose weight. That seems counter productive to the project under discussion. I'm going to try not to gain any until if and when we're successful. I'll still be around, and should we be successful, will definitely need support after the fact to get any baby weight back off, but won't be posting about non-existent weight loss attempts.

Wish this old lady some luck.

Belly Full of Brisket

2008-05-15T08:31:00.002-04:00

It was The Mister's birthday yesterday and I took him out to one of our favorite places, Hill Country, which is pretty much just like a real Texas BBQ joint. They bring wood in from Lockhart, Texas, which is where the BBQ place is that Hill Country's based on. It is absolutely just as good as what I grew up with, and what I still have every time I go back to Texas to visit family.

Since I'm not drinking anymore, I had much more room for food, which was lean brisket, smoked sausage, mac and cheese made with sharp longhorn cheddar, green bean casserole, and for dessert, banana puddin'. I ate until I was full, and didn't eat like I have there before to the point of having a stomach ache.

It's the morning after now, and I do still feel full.

Don't regret it one bit, though I did avoid the scale this morning.

Still on the Way Down

2008-05-13T20:51:00.003-04:00

Have been hovering around 152 since the last time I posted.

Busy. Tired. Work is making me crazy, though I'll take this brand of work crazy over my old any day.

Am headed to bed in about 3, 2, 1.

Tracked for Two Days

2008-05-09T08:23:00.001-04:00

Result: 153.5

Why is it so hard to do what I know I need to do?

Still at 155

2008-05-08T08:12:00.002-04:00

My attempts to get back on track with tracking are still not entirely successful. And I'm still at 155, though thankfully haven't gone above that.

I had orignially wanted to be at my second goal by the end of May, but that's not going to happen. I do need to set myself a goal, because that always seems to help. So I am determined to see 150 by the end of May.

Dammit.

Refocus

2008-05-01T07:32:00.003-04:00

I weighed myself yesterday after not having done so in a while. It was 155. And then I proceeded to eat like a linebacker for the rest of the day. Granted, I am about to have my period, and feel like each breast weighs at least five pounds each, but still.

Eating like a linebacker was a bit of an exaggeration, but I really have not been focused on eating well lately, and the 3 lb weight creep is indicative. It's all about choices. Yesterday at lunch, instead of going for salad or sushi or something light, I went for spinach and mushroom quiche, a personal-sized one, which ended up having about a pound of feta cheese hidden in it. Didn't stop me from eating it though. All of it. At dinner, rather than picking the salad with ahi tuna, I went for the coal oven pizza. It seemed like a good choice, because I had pictured in my mind one of those small, uh, coal oven pizzas that don't actually have that much on them, because they're, uh, small, and kind of all about handmade, with not a lot in the way of topping. But what I got looked like they'd slid it out of the Domino's box and slapped some arugula on top. I was full after two pieces, but that did not stop me from eating another piece and a half. Then I was uncomfortably full. You'd think I would have learned by now, but it seems I never do.

I need to get serious about tracking again. I've made a couple of attempts, where I'll log breakfast and then let the rest slide, but really, I know where that road leads. I've been down it before. A few times now. It leads back into the 180's.

I have managed to put the cigarettes down, and it hasn't actually been too hard. The nicotine gum is helping, but even that I don't feel like I need that much and probably won't even have to buy anymore once the box is done that I bought last weekend.

So, today I will drink my water, which I've been bad about doing as well, opting instead for diet soda, and I will track my food. And at the business meeting today, I will not keep nibbling at all the nibblies they have around (market testing = bowls of candy in the back room behind the two-way mirror).

Still Alive and Kicking

2008-04-27T10:21:00.003-04:00

I'm still here. Still crazy busy. I'll be traveling again for work this coming week, and may be headed to Europe for work the following week or week after. Still not sure.

On the smoking front, I think I have finally made up my mind to quit. It is making me feel horrible, and my asthma has been kicking up. So yesterday I went and bought some nicotine gum. I used the patch when I quit before, and I didn't like it. Made my bones ache wherever I put the patch. And I don't actually smoke all that much comparatively (been averaging 5 to 10 a day), though I could certainly end up being a heavy smoker again (I once did two packs a day, about ten years ago when I was going through a divorce and was still in grad school), so the patch, even the lowest dose, would be too much. I'm planning to split the gum pieces in half. I haven't actually needed one yet, because I've been tending not to really smoke on the weekends, just at work.

Eating has been ok. I've felt like I've been a little bit sugar nibbly, but the scale has stayed consistently around 152-153. Will just have to watch it as I go off the smokes that I don't substitute that with constant eating.

The weather is warmer finally, so I've been walking more. And my two art classes I was taking this semester are winding up. The painting class is done. The drawing class only has two more sessions, one of which I'll miss this week because of traveling. Am not sure if I'll take anything this summer, but I should, even if I do take one, have more time to fit in some yoga. My gym membership is about to expire, and I'm not planning to renew. There are only so many hours in the day, and I am not interested in spending any of the free ones I have at the gym. Outside doing something, yes. A yoga class, yes. But the gym, absolutely not.

So. Tired.

2008-04-19T21:50:00.002-04:00

I have no idea how much I weigh. Eating hasn't been bad, but smoking has. I keep telling myself I need to quit, have to quit, and then there I am in the middle of an anxious moment, headed downstairs and across the street to the deli where I slap a ten dollar bill on the counter and the man gives me my pack of cigarettes. It is making me feel worse, I know. But I am unable to stop right now on my own. It's the nicotine, of course, because I'm clearly addicted to it again, but it's the idea of not being able to go downstairs and hangout for a bit with the other smokers that is causing me not to quit. It's a crutch and I hate it.

The last week was a blur. Work seems to be never-ending. I actually have to do some work tomorrow.

Today I could only manage to read a little and nap.

I am too old for this shit.

Bleah

2008-04-12T12:31:00.003-04:00

Weight this morning: 152.

That's lower than I've been in about 10 years.

I'm in an eating funk these days. Nothing looks good. I've been doing a lot of reading about Buddhism, and just as when I was doing yoga regularly (which I really still want to get back to), I am finding myself squicked out by meat, poultry, and even fish, and I looooove sushi, but the thought of it right now turns my stomach.

This means a lot of my go-tos for lunch are out of consideration until if and when my ickedoutness over meat, poultry and fish disappears or diminishes.

I stand in the places I usually go to pick up lunch and just think bleah.

This has forced me to go to some different places. I discovered a whole foodie deli near the office, and I had a good roasted red pepper hummus sandwich on wheat and fruit salad from there for lunch yesterday.

There is also a sort of fast-food type veggie place that serves veggie burgers and faux chicken nuggets and the like. I might give them a try next week.

I may also have to get over my inner rebellion against those salad bar places that mix the salad for you as you go down the line and pick what you want on there.

Or horror of horrors, I may just have to start--GASP--packing my own lunch!

Am going to be travelling for work this coming week, so won't be around much.

Wishing all a good weekend.

Finding it Again, Though It's a Bit Different

2008-04-05T11:00:00.002-04:00

So, I was down another pound this morning: 153.

I have still been unable to get myself back to tracking in Sparkpeople, though I am weighing again regularly. I'll start out tracking breakfast, but then I kind of know, because I tend to eat the same things all the time, what the rest of them are for the day, so I just don't enter them. It seems to be working ok, but I get all superstitious and think, well, I lost so much by tracking and if I don't continue to track every. single. morsel. I will start gaining weight.

But seriously, when I think about what I was eating when I was in the 180's, and what I'd eaten to get there, it's just nowhere close to now.

Back then, I was doing intuitive eating, you see, and here's how I ate intuitively:

I'd eat breakfast at home, back then, stop for a latte (nonfat of course) at SBs on the way to work and oooh, look at those bran muffins as big as my head with the raisins I love raisins and well ok I'm doing intuitive eating and I want one of those and even though I am still full from what I ate at home I don't want to deny myself anything so I'll take one of those. I'd get to my desk, suck down the latte and inhale the muffin. Lunch would be some kind of giant sandwich with prosciutto and mozzarella or roast beef and cheddar on beautiful bread and I would eat the whole stinkin' thing (I might manage a quarter of one of them now) and then have some fruit salad (healthy!) or a cookie as big as my head, because, well I don't want to deny myself. And then in the afternoon a handful or two of dark chocolate covered almonds that they have a dispenser for over in the kitchen area of the office. After work, if The Husband and I weren't going out to dinner, where I'd eat whatever I wanted, with french fries, thank you, because I don't want to deny myself, I'd meet a friend for dinner at a restaurant and a drink or two or three or four. I'd wake up the next day and repeat.

I think that I fear that if I let up, I will slide back to the above, and I really do not want to be in that place again. Ever.

So, I may not necessarily be needing to track every single thing, but I feel like I have to be aware if I start lying to myself like I was doing before with the intuitive eating.

I wasn't weighing myself then, though.

So I think using the scale to keep myself honest is a good thing, and easing up on the tracking every bite of every meal might not be a bad thing.

Looking for My Lost Weight Loss Mojo

2008-04-03T08:09:00.004-04:00

I seem to have lost my momentum.

I have been lazy about tracking. And I've been slacking off on weighing because I've been lazy about tracking and have also been having that "feeling fat" thing, which I know is not really about fat and as I found this morning when I actually did get on the scale was way off the mark because I've actually lost a pound from goal.

This morning I was at 154.

I do need to find that momentum, motivation, whatchacallit, because I know how I am, and not tracking and avoiding the scale and generally eating whatever I want all the time, damn the consequences is how I end up back in the 180s and in tight size 14s.

I have new spring clothes I haven't even gotten to wear yet, after all, that are in my new smaller size.

And I bought new bras. Very expensive new bras.

Are you listening self? I'm trying to reason with you right now.

Still Hanging On

2008-03-23T23:05:00.002-04:00

I'm still hanging out at goal. I have to admit that I haven't been trying too hard to lose more. Just to not gain back what I've already lost. Am having a bit of a rest in general right now. Took a couple of days off from work, and have been lounging around and reading and resting and trying to get a grip on my stress level, which has been bad. I have managed to put the cigarettes down again, but it was hard. If I'd kept on, I'd have been hooked again. But a night spent wheezing with an asthma attack put me straight.

I've been reading a lot of Buddhist stuff, mostly Pema Chodron. It helps. And I know that yoga would too. It's been weeks. I think tomorrow, which I'm taking off from work, I will practice at home and see how that goes.

One step at a time.

Same Old, Same Old

2008-03-17T12:57:00.002-04:00

Right after I hit goal I bounced up a couple of pounds and am now on the descent. I had my period and also ate out a couple of nights, which meant more calories and also more sodium.

I also have gotten a little lazy with calorie counting. This is where I always get tripped up. I pitch a little fit with myself about having to do it. But I know I have to. And I also have to weigh every day, because if I don't, I just go la la la la la to myself and oh, eating this and that won't hurt.

Back when I started this blog a few years ago, LB from Bufadora came up with the term "inner jackass" and that's what this little rebellion of not logging calories and not wanting to weigh feels like to me, that inner jackass starting to kick up a storm.

I'm back on it though, today.

Well, Woohoo!

2008-03-12T08:34:00.002-04:00

I hit my goal this morning: 155.

This after two days if eating Easter candy at work. There were speckled malted milk ball eggs, people!

I was also on a smoking jag, which as of today is O-V-E-R.

Yoga is the way to deal with stress, not smoking. So I need to find a way to work that back in. I'm looking at some morning classes, but they start at 7:15. It's looking like home practice with a class on the weekend when I can get one may be the way I need to go.

So, 155.

I want to lose a bit more to give myself some room when I shift into maintenance instead of loss mode. I've never known really how to do that, so that's going to be a challenge, maintenance.

I'm going to reset my goal for 145. I'll see how I feel when I get there. I'm thinking ultimately 140 might be a nice place to be, but I think 145 is good for now.

I'd like to have that knocked out by the end of May.

One More to Goal

2008-03-11T10:25:00.003-04:00

This morning: 156.

One more pound to go. And then I'll think about the next goal.

Busy, busy, so will try to write a proper post later in the week.

Two to Go

2008-03-07T08:26:00.003-05:00

157 this morning. That's two to go to reach my original goal by the end of the month. I was feeling really off track the end of last week and over the weekend, but seems that it wasn't too bad after all and might have even helped to shake things up a little bit.

Good weekend to all.

That Fear

2008-03-06T08:37:00.002-05:00

Thanks for the congrats in the previous post, y'all.

Having this space to track ups and downs and just to know that there are other people out there going through the same thing helps.

There is that fear there this time, as I wrote, that I will gain it back. I think because I've lost and gained about the same amount a couple of times before. Never thought I'd gain it back when I lost it those times. In fact, I said, NEVER AGAIN. But I did. And it's because it does take focus. Maybe I've learned my lesson this time. Because I know that if I am not conscious of how many calories I'm eating, I will quickly become accustomed to eating twice as much as I really need. And then there I'll be, back in the 180's.

I keep seeing that 95% of people who lose weight gain it back.

Here's to being part of that 5% who doesn't.

Single Digit

2008-03-04T22:51:00.004-05:00

I bought a dress tonight that is a size 8.

I can't remember the last time I bought something that was a size 8. It's been years. And years and years.

It made me happy, but it also made me scared. I am terrified that I am going to gain all the weight back.

Finally, a Minute

2008-02-29T10:59:00.002-05:00

Lordy, it's been a busy week. Have not had five seconds to think about anything that doesn't have to do with my job. Late nights all around, and had to miss one of my art classes, to boot. Today is looking to be a bit more reasonable. So far, anyway. I feel like I do need to get refocused. I've been nibbling here and there, and haven't been good about tracking calorie intake this week, which I have learned the hard way is really essential for me to stay on track. I have done no physical activity outside normal daily ones at all. Haven't even done much city walking, because it's been miserably cold here.

I've held on to 158.5. Just 3 and a half pounds away from my goal, which I will likely revise once I hit it.

I haven't had jeans in about a million years, and have decided to get myself a pair when I get to 155, which I'm thinking is possible by St. Patrick's Day.

I just ordered a new spring trench coat and made the bold move of selecting the medium rather than the large, based on measurements. I can't remember the last time I bought something that was a medium instead of large.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

I plan to catch up on some sleep!

Skinny Pants

2008-02-25T16:30:00.001-05:00

This morning: 158.5!

So nice to have this drop after piddling around in the low 160's for a couple of weeks.

I wore a pair of black pants that were my favorites for work for a long time. They made me look slim, and someone almost always remarked about it when I wore them.

They are now too big. This weekend I'm going shopping for some more, and I'll be needing a smaller size, for sure.

Yeehaw for that.

Just Barely, But I'll Take It

2008-02-23T08:23:00.001-05:00

159.5 this morning.

Not sure I'll hold onto that over the weekend, but hey, I'll take if for a day.

Ups and Downs

2008-02-20T09:27:00.003-05:00

I got down to 160 this weekend and promptly shot back up to 162 and am now on the way back down. Definitely follows my pattern.

Still well on track to be in the 150's by the end of the month.

My plan to do yoga hasn't gone too well, and I have resigned myself to the fact that I am just not in the right state of mind to practice right now. There are too many distractions, and my schedule is too full. I will get back to it, but not, I think, until I am no longer taking two classes.

Re: Biggest Loser. Was so happy to see the person get voted off who did. I feel for him, but he was like a festering sore. I am certain that he will gain his weight back, because he wasn't losing it for himself in the first place. I think he wanted that ex wife back, and thought that being in that situation with her would do the trick. As much as she may thrive on his attention, it is clear that she would never go back. She left him after all, and that says it all.

Possibly Maybe

2008-02-15T09:50:00.002-05:00

Over the weekend I may slip into the 150's.

This morning it was 160.5

Weekends are hard for me though, so I could be back and forth over a pound or half pound over the next week as a fallout.

I have yet to do any yoga this week. I did buy a yoga magazine yesterday, but somehow I don't think that counts.

The Husband is away for work, so I think tomorrow afternoon, I will hie myself unto a yoga studio for an Iyengar class.

Close, But No Cee-gar

2008-02-13T09:29:00.003-05:00

This morning the scale greeted me with 161.5. I hopped off right quick lest it change its mind.

I had wanted to get to the 150s by Valentine's Day, but given that it's tomorrow, I think it's unlikely that I'm going to drop two more pounds.

So I'll revise that goal to say end of the month.

As far as my challenge for this week, I'm going to have to say it's to do yoga at least twice. It so far has not happened at all. And I missed my yoga classes last week. I'm going to have to just get it through my thick skull that two yoga classes and two art classes a week are not reasonable for me, and get back to home practice and try to get to one class on the weekends. I really was into home practice for a while last year, and it does have its benefits. I think getting to a class regularly is good though, because you could be doing all kinds of things wrong in the poses when practicing at home and not even know it.

So, I'm going to try to practice tomorrow morning (I had to get to work early this morning, tomorrow should be ok), and go to a class on Saturday or Sunday.

We won't even think about that gym membership I'm paying for and not using.

Feeling Better

2008-02-08T10:35:00.001-05:00

Hopped on the scale this morning and it went down to 162 before settling on 162.5, but I'll take that.

If I can manage not to derail myself over the weekend (I have trouble with all that unstructured time), I might just meet my Valentine's mini goal of getting into the 150's, and 159.5 would most certainly count.

Part of my problem this week has been that I am just exhausted. Work really has been demanding. I've been coming in early so that I can have uninterrupted quiet time to do some writing for projects because the days have been filled with too many meetings (yesterday I spent about 5 hours in meetings). The art classes are demanding because they're long. My painting class tonight is 3 hours long, which will put me at home around 10:15 p.m.

I have not been to yoga this week because of the tired thing. I think that this semester, because of taking two classes, and the work schedule, I need to find a way to do yoga at home a couple of times a week, or just short sessions daily, and get to a class on the weekend. Both the teachers I like for Monday and Thursday classes are in India right now anyway, and will be for a couple of months.

The sun is supposed to shine tomorrow (though I may have to come in to work for a while), which will also help. It's been grey and rainy for a week here.

So feeling better.

Bon weekend!

Meh

2008-02-06T09:29:00.001-05:00

Weightloss is going slowly.

The February blahs have set in.

So far so good on keeping the caffeine consumption down, though I did have a diet soda yesterday while I was in my drawing class after work. Was just so. tired.

Meh.

Week 2 Challenge

2008-02-04T08:34:00.001-05:00

I wrote a few posts back that Erin from Zeneriffic and I are doing challenges, sort of whatever we think of for ourselves, to get us through Februrary.

I hate February, though this one seems so far (though it is early in the month) to not be the resounding suck that it usually is. I remain unconvinced that it will not become so.

Last week, the challenge I put to myself was to break out of my eating rut of always going for my "safe" foods, that is, foods that I know exactly the calorie count/fat grams and the like for, and push myself to eat more vegetables, since I usually get plenty of fruit.

I think I did a pretty good job on that one, and ended up eating mostly vegetarian over the past week except for some steamed prawns at a business lunch.

So, I consider that a success. It got me through another week of tracking and sticking to my plan. I am up a half pound right now. I had a slice of pizza yesterday, a good ol' New York cheese slice with some broccoli on it. I don't know what they do, but I'm always thirsty for days after indulging in one.

So for this week I have two goals. One is to substitute green tea or herbal tea for coffee during the day. I have taken to drinking gallons of coffee, and I know it is contributing to the poor sleep I've been having. So I can have one coffee a day, but otherwise, it's green tea or herbal tea. And no caffinated diet sodas either.

The other goal is to get to yoga twice. Because of work, I had to miss my usual Thursday yoga, so I only went once last week. I could have made up a session this weekend, but did not. I always feel better when I do yoga, so I'm going to make sure I go twice, even if that means going on Saturday or Sunday because of missing one from work.

Forgive Them for They Know Not What They Do

2008-01-31T10:32:00.000-05:00

My dear sweet husband. He loves my creative side. So he took a picture of me a few weeks ago while I was standing up painting at the easel that's set up in our study/computer room/library.

It was a photo of my creative backside.

I saw the photo yesterday, which he proffered with pride.

I was horrified.

Sweetie darlin', I said. Don't ever take a picture of me from behind like that again.

The image is seared into my retinas now.

Goal (Mini)!

2008-01-30T10:16:00.000-05:00

This morning: 164!

So that's 20.5 and I came in just under the wire for my 20 pound goal by the end of January.

I got myself a fabulous new haircut on Saturday that may very well have accounted for some of that weight loss. I have thick, naturally curly hair, and had let it get a little too Janis Joplin (I love Janis, but I need to keep her in my heart, not in my hair). I got it whacked off to a chin length bob, and it's all bouncy and fun. I love my stylist.

I've been thinking about my next mini goal, and I'm thinking I'd love to see another five pounds gone by Valentine's day. May be a little overly ambitious, since I'm due for a plateau any second now, but why not try for it.

Watch out 150's, here I come.

It Definitely Must Have Been All That Whining Last Week

2008-01-28T08:33:00.000-05:00

I'm down another pound and a half. This morning: 165.

That's a half pound away from my January goal, and ten pounds away from my big goal (which I'm thinking I might revise downward, just not sure how much yet. I will see when I get to 155).

Erin over at zenerrific and I are doing sort of a challenge, weekly mini challenges, really, and they can be whatever we want, to keep us going through February. You are welcome to play along!

Mine is to eat more vegetables and in general a wider variety of foods. I tend to eat the same things every day because I know automatically how many calories they have, and also, as I explained to Erin in an email, I work in midtown, where anything and everything I could possibly want, healthy and otherwise, is available on the other side of the office doors. It makes it hard for me to choose, and so I don't. I go to the same place every day and get the same stinkin' turkey and tomato whole wheat pita and a piece of fruit.

I also need to make sure I get to yoga class this week. I missed both because of the holiday and a work dealie last week.

Work = Crazy Today

2008-01-25T10:27:00.000-05:00

So not much of a post.

Last night had to miss yoga for a going away drinky thing after work for a colleague who is moving on to greener pastures.

Was not happy about missing yoga, but I don't want to get so control-freaky about it that I can't make time for something like an impromptu after work get-together.

I did not drink alcohol and didn't even miss it, nor did I smoke any cigarettes, which I did not want because I was not drinking alcohol. I was happy when I woke up this morning and did not have to feel the effects of either of those substances.

Appetizers were ordered: chicken fingers and potato skins, and I did have some, along with a couple of non-alcoholic beers, which were not bad at all. Everyone I was with knew I'd quit drinking, so there was none of that aw c'mon have this or have that going on.

I am up another half pound, I'm pretty sure because of the salty snacks and the near-beer. I was still within calorie range, despite having some of the snacks last night (since that ended up being dinner; got home too late for a proper meal).

Good weekend all.

Too Much

2008-01-24T10:15:00.000-05:00

I've noticed that I am drinking way too much coffee again. I'd been caffeine free for almost a year before I started my new job, but now I'm right back at it with 3 or 4 cups during the day, and a couple of diet sodas thrown in for good measure.

That's a lot to drink.

Which means I'm not drinking enough water, because I'm drinking all that other stuff.

I'm going to try to focus on getting enough water today and see if that doesn't help me feel less tired and also get the scale to budge.

Walking Through Mud

2008-01-23T10:21:00.000-05:00

This morning: 166.5

This point is usually the point where I start to lag in my weightloss efforts. I've lost a good bit, and the loss has slowed, and I start to lose focus. I think I was about in this weight range when I bailed last time. I'm feeling good, looking good, my clothes are all fitting much better, and I'm feeling pissy about having to spend time tracking food. I have yet to step foot in the gym, other than to drop off my workout clothes, since before Christmas. And unless I start going in the a.m., I'm not sure I will anytime soon, since my art classes are about to start up, the first this Friday, and the other, next Tuesday, with yoga on Mondays and Thursdays. It's been a smidge warmer here in the city, so I've been doing enough walking to the tune of having mild shin-splinty pain, but I'm certainly not burning a lot of calories through exercise at the moment.

I'm deteremined not to let myself give up so easily this time around, though.

So onward, even if it is through thick sticky mud.

Pillar of Salt

2008-01-22T09:40:00.000-05:00

Still at 167. I blame that on salt.

I ended up eating restaurant food once on Saturday and twice in the same day on Sunday. Saturday it was sushi, and then Sunday I had an omelet and then later some Thai food. I did not eat a lot, and stayed within my calorie range (though it was high in my calorie range). Yesterday when I woke up and weighed myself I was up 2 lbs. It was gone this morning, of course, because I'd flushed all that sodium out with water and herbal tea.

Since I've been really looking hard at labels in the grocery store over the last month and a half, I've really been shocked at how much sodium is in foods. I picked up a carton of organic tomato soup, and it had something like 980 mg of sodium for one cup.

That's kee-ray-zee.

Miss Green Jeans

2008-01-18T09:41:00.000-05:00

I'm wearing a pair of green corduroy pants today. They are a million years old and they are absolutely my favorite pair of pants in the whole world and I will cry when they finally disintegrate.

I haven't been able to wear them in over a year, and the last time I did wear them, they were, uh, a little snug, let's say.

They are loosey-goosey today and super comfortable.

So whee!

This morning: 167

3 to Go

2008-01-16T09:18:00.001-05:00

Yesterday no post because we were at an off-site meeting for much of the day.

This morning: 167.5, so 3 more pounds to go until the end of the month to hit my minigoal. Since I had a loss, there will be some days of back and forth, but there's still time, I think.

I continue to talk myself out of the gym. Usually I go after work, so maybe I need to think about maybe going before work. Though there's plenty of room to talk myself out there as well. I've been having to stay late, so that's not helping. If I could just make myself go once, I'd be back in, because I do enjoy it when I go. Just having a huge whiny mental block about it for some reason right now. Craving more yoga classes though.

Things are also just about to get nuts with my schedule. Mondays and Thursdays are going to remain yoga nights. But Tuesdays, and I just signed up yesterday for Fridays, I will be taking drawing and painting classes.

I've taken several drawing classes, and take a studio class with a teacher that I had a couple of semesters ago where you just go in once a week and work on whatever you want. Most people paint. I painted last semester and felt a little like I was wasting time and kind of flailing around. She doesn't instruct, she's just there to guide. But I want to work in oils, and I have had minimal instruction, so I finally decided to remedy that and signed up for a start from scratch learn how to use oils class on Friday evenings that starts next week. In the studio class, I'm going to work on drawing.

Busy, busy.

Hello, 160's

2008-01-14T09:20:00.000-05:00

And hope not to know you for too much longer.

On Saturday morning, 168.5. I've bounced back and forth between that and 169, but I'm out of the 170's. So whee.

My next mini goal is to have lost 20, and that'll be when I hit 164.5, which I'd love to be able to do by the end of the month.

Eating has been fine. We were out with some friends last night and ate at a Mexican restaurant. I'd saved up for it, but still. Tried to order something that seemed reasonable, but then when it arrived it was covered in melted cheese. I ate it anyway, dammit. Where I did save myself was by not drinking (normally I'd have had at least one margarita) and only having one handful of chips (normally The Husband and I alone can empty at least two baskets before our food arrives).

Yoga tonight.

Still have not been able to get myself back to the gym. Am having a serious mental block. I have a painting class that starts up the last week of January; would be nice to work the gym back into my routine before that starts up. Maybe if I pick a class I want to go to at the gym rather than just planning to go do whatever, I might be more motivated. Haven't done a spinning class in a million years, but I did used to like it. That might be what gets me back in the gym.

Numbers Game

2008-01-11T11:20:00.000-05:00

This morning: 170

The scale hovered just briefly on 169.5 before settling on 170.

Gah!

Maybe by Monday I'll be able to tell the 170's goodbye.

A great weekend to all.

Plateausville

2008-01-10T10:20:00.000-05:00

I've been back and forth most of this week over the same half pound. This morning it was up a half pound.

Irritating.

I ended up not going to work out at the gym last night after all, and was of course mad at myself when I was up that half pound this morning. Obviously it's because I didn't go to the gym, I thought for a second, which is nonsense.

It's been freaky warm here in NYC (it did this last January as well; some of you may have seen the news then with men frolicking shirtless in Central Park), but that is about to change, so I took the opportunity to take a city walk instead of the gym. I walked for about an hour, from my office down to the gym. I actually went into the gym, where I went ahead and stashed my shoes and clothes my locker for next time. It was surprisingly not crowded like I thought it would be. Maybe lots of people had the same idea I did and took their workouts outdoors. I'll be going back to actually workout on Friday, when it's expected go get colder here.

Tonight is yoga, which I'm looking forward to. I just got over being sore from going on Monday, so I'm ready to go!

To Run or Not to Run

2008-01-09T10:29:00.000-05:00

The scale had not budged this morning. I know that by next week I'll probably be down in the 160's, but I want it now, right now!

Anyone watch the Biggest Loser last night? I was surprised at how surprised the trainers were that people had such low numbers at the end of the second week. I know they anticipated a slowdown; it always happens, but there were lots of people who lost only 1 pound, or nothing, and poor Mallory actually gained a pound. They were all eating according to their plans, all working out as hard as they could in the gym.

The body, it is stubborn, and sometimes it just doesn't want to let go of that weight, no matter what you do.

Anyway, I'm headed back to the gym tonight for the first time since right before Christmas. I'd just completed week 4 of Couch to 5K.

But that was before I got back into yoga.

Now, I'm wondering about running. I definitely want to build cardio strength, because I will need it for yoga, especially when I start adding in Anusara classes. But spending all this time in yoga focusing on alignment and form and balance has made me question the wisdom of pounding away at my joints while running. It seems counterproductive.

I haven't decided for sure, and probably won't until I get to the gym tonight, but I may very well just power walk on the treadmill, which I do enjoy, or do the elliptical.

And speaking of running, I was perusing comments about the story on the ABC News Web site about Hillary Clinton's win in New Hampshire (I am very conflicted about her, but was happy that all the yappy media folks were wrong, wrong wrong), and there was a Hillary hater (an Obama supporter) on there who called her fat. It was another woman. I'm still mad after reading it. I should really stay away from the comments sections on ABC News, for my own sanity.

Role Model

2008-01-08T10:05:00.000-05:00

This morning: 170.5.

The 160's are so close.

I went to a yoga class at the Iyengar Center here in the city last night. I'd been to one before and liked it, but it was during a period last spring when I was sort of bouncing around and trying out different styles, trying to figure out which would work best for me. I've decided on Iyengar leading up maybe to Anusara, but we'll see. I still need to do some more Anusara, because I've only done one studio class in that; the others were at the gym, and I don't like yoga at the gym, because classes are too crowded and the instructor can't really keep an eye on everyone, plus there's a competitive edge to what people are doing there, because it is the gym, so I always feel like there is a huge potential to get seriously injured for those reasons.

Anyway, I'm getting off track here.

So the class last night was led by a woman who must have been in her 60's, which I thought was awesome. One of the reasons why I got in to yoga in the first place was that after I'd been home to visit my mother, who is about 60, and saw how stiff she was and slumped over, and I made the decision that I didn't want to be that sort of a physical mess when I was 60. I see all these spry little old ladies flitting around NYC, and I want to be like that when I'm old.

I really liked her instruction and style, so I'm going to sort of make that my for sure absolutely not to be missed class. And I'll keep going on Thursdays to the studio near work where they offer Iyengar.

Up for tomorrow is getting myself back to the gym and back on the C to 5K plan. I think I'm going to just repeat week 4 (if I can), which is where I left off before Christmas.

Falling Weight

2008-01-07T09:58:00.000-05:00

This morning, I was down half a pound.

So, since I decided I needed to lose some weight back in early December (The 4th was the day of reckoning, when I got on the scale after not having weighed myself in about 9 months), I've lost 13.5 lbs.

That's a lot for one month, and I know it. I also feel it slowing down. I'm still losing, but my body is holding on a bit longer than it was before letting go of the pounds and half pounds. It will stay the same for several days, and then lurch down, and then back up a little, and finally back down to hold for a few more days before moving downward again.

I think that I have lost relatively quickly because I gained it so quickly. I started my new job about 4 months ago, and that's when I started eating a lot more (stress) and couldn't fit exercise in.

I'd have, for example, after having eaten cereal for breakfast at home, a tall skim latte from Starbucks, often along with some little treat, which might have been a muffin or a little fruit plate with cheese. I stopped doing that on December 5. If I have a skim latte, that IS breakfast, not in addition to. Otherwise, if I've had breakfast at home, it's black coffee, or coffee with skim milk if my stomach isn't in the mood for black.

For lunch, I'd get a sandwich from this place across the street. They're big sandwiches, like as big as your head. I would eat the whole thing. And then I'd usually have some fruit salad, a large one, which is about 2 cups. And the eating was like a cartoon beaver sawing through a log. Now I either get a cup of soup and some fruit salad, or I eat half of the giant sandwich, which is plenty enough to fill me up, and save the other half for the next day, and I'll get the small fruit salad. No cookies or other sweets either, which I was also eating along with lunch, as a dessert.

I was going to the little candy dispenser in the office, the one that gives you a small handful of dark chocolate-covered almonds for a quarter. I was hitting that two or three times a day. I have cut that out completely.

And then for dinner, the Husband and I were going out for dinner most nights. I ordered anything that I wanted. I usually woudn't eat it all, but it often wasn't the healthiest thing I could have ordered, and I was ordering things that really should be once in awhile treats, and not on someone's regular everyday menu. Steak frites, anyone? That has also stopped. We go out maybe once or twice on the weekend now. And I order carefully and make sure that I don't feel like I need to clean my plate. We had been splitting desserts almost every time we went out too, so I quit doing that. If he wants something, and I want a bite, I'll have one. But not half of the thing.

And I had been drinking a lot. A lot of wine. A couple of glasses when eating out. Meeting friends at least once a week for drinks. Drinking at the office with the Mad Men.

That's out now.

And I started running again, though have yet to get back to that. I'm in pretty hardcore yoga mode right now, but I'm getting antsy to get back to the cardio, so this week, maybe tomorrow, I'll hit the gym. Am doing another Iyengar class tonight.

So that's how it's come off so quickly. It hasn't been around that long. And I stopped doing what was putting it on before I got too far along.

Nice Surprises

2008-01-04T09:48:00.001-05:00

1. When I hopped on the scale this morning it read 171.5. That's 13.5 lbs gone. Watch out 160's. I'm coming for you.

2. I liked the yoga instructor and the class last night. Level 1 Iyengar is pretty low key. Things move slowly and you're focusing on learning the poses and correct alignment in them. There's no flow. Usually, I sweat like crazy in a yoga class if it's a Vinyasa or Anusara class. I rented a towel just in case last night. Didn't even need it. I'm a little sore today, but not crazy. It will be a nice way to ease back into a regular practice.

Back on the Yoga Train

2008-01-03T09:41:00.000-05:00

Today I'm hopping back on the yoga train, despite the fact that I have a feeling the studio will be pretty crowded with people just like me.

I have to wait around after work for awhile, because the class I'm taking, an Iyengar Level I class, doesn't start until 7:15. I've been finding, as I search around for classes, that many during the week are not geared to the working person. Who, I'd like to know, can slip out for two hours to take a class at 11:00 or at 3:00?

It's also been harder for me to settle on something, because while I'll do a Vinyasa class if that's all there is, my preference really is for Iyengar, which is more focused on form than flow, and Anusara, which is more flowing than Iyengar, yet still has a stronger focus on form and also has more of an emotional aspect to it than Iyengar. But most studios either only, or mostly, offer Vinyasa. Then there's the issue of having time to get there, get changed, and get settled before class.

If I can just get into a routine with something, I'll be much happier.

Here's hoping I like the class/instructor tonight.

Year One

2008-01-01T22:35:00.000-05:00

Time away from the city was restful and lovely. I did not get to the Y to run. I did manage to keep my eating under control while I was away and didn't gain any weight while gone and have lost a pound and a half since coming back. Am looking forward to getting back to the gym, and particularly, to getting back to a regular yoga practice.

The regular yoga practice, in addition to being nicer to people, which usually comes along with the regular yoga practice for me, are my resolutions. I didn't have any more until this morning.

I got really drunk on New Year's Eve. Horribly, out of control, don't remember anything after a certain point drunk. I spewed all over the place when I got home. My husband, who does not drink, had to take care of me.

People get drunk on New Year's Eve all the time. Hell, the whole party thing is really about drinking, no?

Thing is, I got just about that drunk the day before we left to go away. I work in advertising. And there is a lot of drinking that goes on. If you've seen Mad Men before, it really is not all that far off the mark in that respect. The partners all have bars in their offices. My boss has one in his desk. There are bottles stashed all over the place. Most people go out to lunch and come back with the smell of liquor on their breath. On Friday, we started drinking sometime around noon. Bourbon. Rye. Whiskey. Scotch. I can just sort of remember leaving the office. I walked all the way downtown to the gym. Drunk. And I ran on the treadmill. Drunk. It is a miracle that I didn't hurt myself. I ran 3 miles. After the gym, I walked all the way back uptown to the last stop on my train line out of Manhattan and into Queens (The Husband looked it up, and all that walking was about 4.5 miles). I was still drunk. I was drunk when I got home. I was drunk when I went to bed. I hadn't even packed for the trip, which I had to do the next morning, with a horrid hangover.

And I got just about that drunk a few days before that, when a friend visited from out of town. We met for cocktails. I had two in a very short period of time. And then we went to dinner and I had wine. And I was roaring drunk.

I went to an art workshop in New Hampshire this summer. It was all in all a great week. But while there, I got so drunk one night that I was sick all the next day. As has often been the case in the last couple of years when I've tied one on, I woke up feeling an overwhelming sense of dread.

I have known for a while that I have a problem with alcohol, but every single time I would think about not drinking anymore, I'd get panicky. I'd start bargaining with myself. Well, you know, all those social situations. How can you not drink? I'd tell myself, well, you don't even drink every day. You don't even keep anything at home. You don't carry it around in your purse, for goodness sake.

But this morning, I made the decision. And I don't feel the least bit of panic about it, this decision, this new resolution I've added.

I am done.

Done with the excuses. Done. Really and truly. Finally. And instead of panic, I actually feel relieved.

I am done with alcohol.

Have a Festive Festivus and Happy New Year

2007-12-22T09:22:00.000-05:00

See you in 2008.

Drumroll, Please...

2007-12-20T09:59:00.000-05:00

This morning when I hopped on the scale--I'm weighing daily right now to keep myself motivated/on the straight and narrow; it keeps me from being all, well, I had a cookie yesterday so I should just go all to hell with myself the rest of the day and start over tomorrow--and it read:

174.5

Woohoo.

Ten pounds down and pre-holiday goal reached. Now to just keep it there until the New Year!

One to Go

2007-12-19T09:53:00.001-05:00

I've had a mini goal of a ten pound loss before going away to the in-laws for the holidays and as of this morning, I have one pound to go.

Not sure if I can pull it off, since we leave on Saturday, but I'm going to give it my all.

And just so's you know I'm not starving myself, for dinner last night I had a slice of pizza. That would be a NYC slice, which is about as big as your head. I planned for it.

The other goal is to maintain my loss so far over the holidays. I'm never particularly tempted by the cooking at the in-laws, so the eating probably won't be so hard. I won't, however, have access to a treadmill. It's a teeninsy town and there's not even a gym I could join as a guest. There's a Y, but they'll be closed much of the week we're there. Running outside in the winter is out for me. Maybe if I'd built up to it, but I can feel the asthmatic wheeze now just thinking about it. Long walks will be in order. One of The Husband's sisters has a rambunctious dog that she's planning on bringing, and he needs daily walks of at least an hour, or he will eat the house. I'll have to get back to the Couch to 5K program when I get back, maybe repeating week 4.

It's a Gym, Not a Nightclub

2007-12-18T09:55:00.000-05:00

For the second C to 5K workout in a row (I've got one more to go for Week 4), someone reeking of perfume and/or heavily scented deodorant or man froufrou has planted her/himself next to me on the adjacent treadmill about halfway through my "run" and caused me to have a mild asthma attack. My options when this happens are to move to another machine if one's available (and usually there aren't), or have to tough it out.

It's infuriating and I hate these people and burn holes in them with the ol' stinkeye as I'm wheezing along.

It's the gym, yo. You're not supposed to smell like roses.

Re: The Starbucks Gingerbread Scone

2007-12-17T09:52:00.000-05:00

Debbi commented on the last post that she'd read on several blogs about the notorious Starbucks gingerbread scone. I eyeballed one this morning as I waited in line. And I started looking at all the treats there in the case.

Here's the dealio about Starbucks sweeties: they always look good, but taste, when I've indulged in the past, has been rather like sugared cardboard. The naming is what hooks you. Who wouldn't drool at the thought of a pepperment mocha? A sticky toffee muffin? But really and truly, bleah. Every single time I've actually eaten one, or ordered something decadent sounding, it's always been a huge disappointment and I get mad at myself for having wasted the calories that I could have spent on, I don't know, real food? Or a nice dessert somewhere good.

Tempting they still are, for sure. Just have to keep reminding myself the way that stuff tastes. I'm sure as hell not going to bust out here with "Nothing tastes as good as thin feels." Warm homemade chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk. That tastes better than thin feels. I'll save my discretionary calorie fund for something like that.

Grinchy

2007-12-14T09:48:00.000-05:00

It snowed then sleeted here yesterday. Left the office early and slid along Lexington down to Grand Central under a decrepit umbrella that kept blowing inside out. By the time I got to the train, I was boiling mad at the world and everyone in it. Really got to get back to regular yoga practice. I've noticed my anger level rise steadily since I slacked off on it. And my anxiety level as well.

I absolutely hate this time of year. Really and truly. I can't figure out exactly why. I don't care for the crass commercialism, and I resent having to participate in it, because it is expected and it is the polite and civil thing to do when dealing with family situations. You don't show up to the in-laws for a week at their house without gifts. And I do like making people happy by giving them something nice. It's the fact that I have to do it, I guess, or that there's no real way out of it, that gets to me.

There is also the general head-up-the-assery that happens with people in the city, the rise in rudeness because every one else is preoccupied and stressed out and has too much on their lists of things to do.

Also the grey skies.

It all gets me depressed, and it gets worse each year. I think there must also be some deeply buried family drama down there somewhere that I haven't been able to properly excavate, and it's festering.

So, I was mad. Depressed. And when I got home I felt like inhaling the entire contents of the refrigerator and pantry, but did not. It was sill bingey-like behavior though what I was eating was all low-calorie, like celery and 1% cottage cheese. It wasn't the amount, because I really didn't eat all that much, but the let's have this and then five minutes later being back in the kitchen with the refrigerator door open and getting something else that was binge-like.

It's been hard for me to admit that I'm an emotional eater, and that I have a tendency toward binge-eating. My sister has binge eating disorder. It's not how I gained weight this time, though I did, when I was younger, the summer after my first year of college, binge my way up into the 180's. This time the problem was--as it has also always been, thanks to clean plate club mentality and eating too fast--simply not stopping when I was full.

That and getting older and developing a sharp sweet tooth. Bready carbs and cheese used to be my enemy. Now enemy mine is the frosted gingerbread scone whispering to me from the Starbuck's case when I'm getting coffee.

I am happy about one thing: today is Friday.

I Survived

2007-12-13T09:59:00.000-05:00

I managed to negotiate the office lunch, wine and cheese party, and big holiday party without going completely nuts and diving headfirst into the chocolate fountain or drinking my weight in red wine.

So woohoo.

I'd also lost enough so that my dress was much more comforatable than it was when I bought it. It fit when I bought it, but it fit. I like a little wiggle room.

Am I the only woman on the planet who can't wear high heels, just as a by the by? I had bought some to wear with my dress, not super high--they had sort of a blocky platform heel, 3 1/2 inches I think--and after clomping up and down the hall in the apartment a few times, I decided that I would be miserable if I had to wear them and in serious pain if I had to walk more than a block. I ran out and got some flats at the last minute and was so happy I did.

I always feel like I'm missing some essential female gene or something because I just can't tolerate any kind of a heel at all.

This morning the scale hovered on 177 and I really thought it was going to stick before settling on 177.5. I'm doing the first week 4 workout of Couch to 5K tonight, and it's a big learning curve, so maybe that scale will stick tomorrow.

Minefield

2007-12-11T09:46:00.000-05:00

I sure was smart to try to get back on track during the holidays, eh? Everywhere I turn there are gingerbread men winking at me, trays of treats. I have to go to a lunch at work today, and then after work, I will have to face my big weaknesses: cheese and wine. Cheese and wine, people! There will also be crackers, which I could eat by the box. Tomorrow night is the big black tie holiday party for work.

Am trying to eat light so that I can accommodate the extras.

I guess I should look on the bright side; if I had waited and continued on my course through the holidays, I'd be staring down a bigger task than trying to lose 20 lbs.

Fickle

2007-12-10T10:56:00.000-05:00

Hoo boy, what a difference in feeling about a weight I have on the way down rather than on the way up. This morning I was 179, and it fluttered just briefly on 178.5 before settling there. I'm going to the gym tonight to do my couch to 5K run, the last workout of Week 3 (I'm scared of Week 4, which is a huge jump in actual running time), so maybe tomorrow the 178.5 will stick.

I was thinking this morning about these weights and how, back when I was still trying to lose and weighed 15 pounds less than I am now and was mad because I wasn't losing more, that 179 would have been anathema to me, and now here I am happy to see it.

In general, I'm trying not to think about where I was when I decided I was going to stop trying to lose weight. And I'm trying not to think too much about how far I have to go to get to where I want to be. Just one day at a time.

Setting a Realistic Goal

2007-12-07T13:40:00.000-05:00

I turned 40 this summer. I started noticing my body changing, though, when I hit my mid-30's. When I gain weight now, I gain it differently than I used to. It all goes to my midsection now, as opposed to my butt.

Part of my getting a handle on this latest gain has included signing up for and using Spark People. They automatically set my goal weight for me at 137.

I'm trying to remember the last time I weighed 137.

I think it was while I was going through the divorce from my first husband and was living on cigarettes and black coffee.

I weighed in the mid 140's through most of high school, not mid 130's. And through most of my adult life, when I haven't been starving and getting down to 119 in college or stress eating my way into the 180's, when things are as they should be, I'm usually in the mid-150s. I'd like to get there again and stay there.

So I'm saying goal weight: 155.

This morning I was at 179.5.

Smelly Smells

2007-12-06T11:27:00.000-05:00

Work is slow right now, which is why I'm sitting here blogging instead of perpetrating more evil (I work in advertising now as opposed to nonprofit, where I'd been for six years). Someone, somewhere in the labyrinth of cubes, is eating some kind of breakfast sandwich. I can smell it. And it smells really good.

Since I've gotten back on track (for three entire days, ya'll), which includes not giving into everything I want whenever I want, since I often wanted things like greasy breakfast sandwiches, my sense of smell has kicked into overdrive.

This is not always a good thing in NYC, though mercifully it is winter time here, and it's cold. When the temperature rises above about 50 degrees, things start to stink.

Yesterday there was food leftover from a portfolio review lunch, and it was all spread out in the kitchen area on a very long bar. None of it really looked that good, because it had been pawed through, and the squares of sandwiches were coming apart with limp lettuce and mealy tomato slices were strewn about. But it sure did smell good. I felt like Grenouille in The Perfume, because I could separate out each separate odor: cheddar cheese, mustard, yeasty bread, chocolate from the various cookies and brownies.

I'm not saying never to greasy breakfast sandwiches, cheese, bread and chocolate. I just can't have it every stinkin' day, unfortunately, and not gain weight.

Eating Crow

2007-12-05T11:29:00.000-05:00

9 months. That's the time it takes for someone to have a baby. Not that I did, because I didn't. It's also the time it took for my experiments in intuitive eating and just getting exercise from trying to be more active in my daily life--some of you may remember me touting this approach here and in the comments section of your own blogs--to reveal themselves to be complete failures. It's the time it took for me to gain about 20 pounds, give or take. Seems when I eat intuitively, I eat a lot of ice cream.

I hadn't weighed myself since sometime last spring, I think. A couple of days ago, I was alone in the apartment and things were quiet, and I got curious. So I blew the cat hair off the scale and hopped on.

184.5 it read.

184.5 lbs at 5 feet, 5 inches tall.

Not quite my all-time high, but very close.

And it wasn't that much of a surprise. I had suspected as much. I had to buy a fancy dress for an upcoming work party recently, which required measuring myself. I had to measure my waist three times before it sunk in that yes, that's how big my waist is, and no, you can't order a size 12, because it won't fit.

Also, my skin has been itching on my hips and thighs, and I knew it wasn't because of the cold weather. For me, when my skin starts itching on my hips and thighs, it means my weight is changing. It also means new stretchmarks.

I quit my old gym quite a while ago--a year ago or maybe more--but ended up joining a new one this summer, because I thought I could go back to a gym finally and not get so obsessed with it. And that's proven true. Far from getting obsessed, I've hardly been there at all.

I have also let the yoga, which I was doing pretty much daily there for about six months, slide to about once every two weeks. Maybe. I am still wearing my little silver lotus/om pendant that I bought during my yoga heyday, if that counts for anything. I would like to get back to regular practice, because it makes me feel better.

The yoga slippage has largely been because of a new, asskicking kickass job. I love the job. But it is demanding. Much more so than my old one. I'm often at work late. And usually when I'm at work, it requires my full brain capacity to do my job.

The new job may also have a bit to do with the wolfing down of large portions of food at meals at an astonishingly fast pace.

But things have begun to settle down a bit at work, enough so that over the last few weeks, I've managed to start going to the gym regularly, about three times a week. I'm on week 3 of Couch to 5K, which I started just to have something to do when I go to the gym. So far, so good. It feels neither obsessive, nor boring.

Foodwise, I need to get a grip, and not on a pint of ice cream. My plan is to go back to what was working before I size-acceptanced, feminist-theoried, and intuitively ate myself into a 20lb weight gain. Cut out the white stuff for the most part--especially sugar, oh lordy, the sugar--and focus on lean proteins and vegetables and whole grains.

Also, I will get back to posting here regularly. I've missed it. And It helps, somehow.